Specializing in pest control

As much as I’d like my 500 words to focus only on those things that matter most, there are times I need to take care of unpleasant business. For the past few weeks I’ve been dealing with a bee problem at my house and realize that my use of bee killing spray is doing almost nothing to stop it.

I’ve decided I need some sort of exterminator, but a quick look at my yellow pages reveals that what I really want is “pest control.” Who knew?

The first listing is a giant advertisement for “Mr. Pest Control” that includes pictures of seven different types of insects, a bird that oddly seems smaller than all of them and a mouse that looks about the size of a koala bear. He “specializes” in 12 different types of pests and the language geek in me wonders if this truly counts as a specialized business? Noticing his phone number ends in M-I-C-E, I suspect I know his true specialty.

The next listing is for “AAA Get Them Out.” I wish them luck in their business, but just can’t see their franchising plans taking off without a name change.

Next, I notice a company called “Bugs Or Us.” Their ad includes a hand drawn insect, riding what appears to be a chariot, pulled by a mouse. The insect is saying, “We’re out of here!” and I find it surprisingly easy to choose the bugs over this company and keep looking.

“The Exterminator Inc” mentions that they are now “Rentokil Pest Control” and you just know there’s a story that goes with that. The name “Rentokil” confuses me – am I renting this service? Would you kill my bees faster if I agreed to buy and not rent?

“Global Pest Control” avoids the branding issues of the previous companies, but my bees are hiding between four bricks in the corner of my house and I really have no need for global coverage.

Some companies offer unmarked vehicles as I assume it is horribly embarrassing to have your neighbours find out you have bees living between the bricks in your house? As long as they don’t put a sign on my lawn saying “We’re here because this idiot let his house get infested with bees!” I’m sure I can live with whatever perception this might create.

The last ad that catches my eye is for “Rid-a-Critter” and what stands out most is that he calls himself “The Skunk Man.” Like many of the other ads, the skunk man has a list of critters that are his speciality and I have to wonder how many people take him up on “opossum?” He invites customers to “call anytime” and “ask for John,” which presumably is the skunk man’s alias.

Does John realize he’s opened himself up to opossum calls at 3 a.m.?

Something tells me his marriage to The Skunk Woman is on very thin ice indeed.