Disney Trip Day 7: Typhoon Lagoon

There are two water parks at Disney: Typhoon Lagoon and Blizzard Beach. We weren't sure we were going to have time to visit either park, but decided the day before that it might be nice to cool off and do something different, so we put Typhoon Lagoon on our agenda.

As with all things Disney, Typhoon Lagoon is huge. There are slides for little kids, not so little kids, adults and really foolish adults (little did I know that I would soon fit into the last category). They have the world's largest wave pool, with six-foot waves that sweep you away every 90 seconds.

But the thing that really drew me to the park was the opportunity to snorkel with sharks. I have been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember and I've dreamed that someday I might actually get to swim with them. I should note that many of these dreams are nightmares where I'm attacked by a great white, but the fact remains, they're dreams. This was my chance and I could barely believe it was happening.

There was however a small problem.

I. Can't. Snorkel.

If I'm getting stuff off my chest, I also can't talk about blood or needles without feeling faint, I've never been able to see the hidden image in those pictures, no matter how long I look with unfocused eyes, and I can't iron a shirt to save my life. But none of that mattered on this day, except my inability to snorkel.

Snorkelling is defined as "the practice of swimming on or through a body of water while equipped with a diving mask, a shaped tube called a snorkel, and usually swimfins. In cooler waters, a wetsuit may also be worn. Use of this equipment allows the snorkeler to observe underwater attractions for extended periods of time with relatively little effort."

My own definition is somewhat different: "Snorkelling is the practice of putting on a mask and inserting a snorkel into my mouth and immediately starting to hyperventilate. Any and all attempts to calm down will be met with escalating hyperventilation and all details of underwater attractions will be learned only through the reports of other snorkellers."

And so it was at Typhoon Lagoon. My wife and the kids put their masks on, faces in the water and were eager to swim with rays, colourful fish, and reef and hammerhead sharks. I put my mask on, face in the water and began my comical act of trying to drown. There was no way I was going to make it work, so I got out of the water and watched my family live my dream.

The rest of the day was much better. We spent a lot of time in the wave pool, the kids being thrown backwards, disappearing under the water for what felt like an hour, emerging with huge smiles on their faces and saying "let's do that again!" Now that I've been to a wave pool with waves every 90 seconds, every other wave pool will seem like a giant bore.

The water slides were lots of fun and the kids never tired of running up yet another set of stairs to hit them all. The lineups were short or nonexistent and we raced each other to the bottom.

The main attraction is a slide called Humunga Kowabunga, where riders shoot down five stories in a pitch black tunnel. Neither of my kids were able to ride (height restriction for my son, cowardice for my daughter), but they somehow convinced me to do it and report back.

I wasn't aware of the "pitch black tunnel" component until it was too late, so with water pelting me in the face, I travelled at ridiculous speeds and half hoped that I would die before reaching the bottom. When the tunnel spit me out, I was partially on my side, trying hard not to flip onto my face, with my bathing suit nearly ripped off my body. I'm sure I was a sight and a half and the kids screamed "Daddy, do it again!"

Fat chance kids. Fat chance.