Rules for Oil Changes

I've just returned from having an oil change on my car. There is something about the experience that makes my skin crawl each and every time and I think I look forward to dentist appointments more than I do oil changes.

I realized today, that by observing the operation of my local oil change place, that there are several "golden rules" in running a successful business:

1. Greet all customers with the following: "Oil change or E-Test?" Follow that up with "that's a __ minute wait," depending on which service is requested (minimum 20 minutes). "Hello", "hi", "greetings" or similar are not to be used and don't worry, all customers like to wait.

2. Refer to customers by the make of their car. "Volkswagon", "Grand Prix", "Corolla", "Sienna Van" is the best way to tell customers you really care about them.

3. Offer all customers a seat and their choice of water or coffee. When all seats are filled (which is always) it is implied that the window sill is a seat. Water dispensers with no jug on top are ok as it is clear that there was water at some point. Coffee is to be made once a day and powdered creamer is to be purchased every 10 years.

4. Check the history of the customer's vehicle. If they weren't in yesterday, you are to say "hmm, it's been a little while since you've been in..." which creates doubt for the customer that their vehicle will get them home and opens the door for upselling.

5. No matter when they were last in, customers are to be told that their oil is black and that nothing short of an engine flush is required to return it to its original state (spring water from an artesian well).

6. Customers are to be told that cabin filters need to be changed at least once a year, brake pads every six trips to the grocery store and wiper blades after each rain.

7. Prices for these additional services are to be made up on the spot and if customers refuse your first price you are to immediately drop it $20 and offer the oil change for free if they go for your second offer. Before customers have a chance to figure out whether the oil change or the additional service is the true rip off, tell them that you can further reduce the price of the additional service, but not give the oil change for free, so it makes more sense to go for the first or second offer. At this point, it will be impossible for any customer to know what you're offering and they may accept some or all of the additional services out of pure confusion. Although it will be rare for customers to ask follow up questions on these offers at this point, it will normally be enough to just walk back into the garage area for them to give up their questioning. If customers persist in knowing what is going on, you are to have another member of the staff pull the fire alarm and yell at everyone to immediately evacuate all seats and window sills.

8. Lastly and this is important - make sure all oil change places within 100 miles your location operate in exactly the same way so that no one will ever be able to escape this kind of experience.