How to prepare to talk to your child

As a parent, you know that certain conversations with your kids are coming. You don’t know when, but you anticipate and prepare.

In your planning sessions (conducted years in advance and entirely in your head), the child brings up a contentious issue, the parent acts as though the subject has taken them completely by surprise, but miraculously provides the perfect answer/guidance/acceptance/refusal with Shakespearean eloquence. The child is awed by the response and asks only that the conversation can continue long enough to thank you for your wisdom.

I wish that my years of planning had helped me tonight with my conversation with my daughter about getting her ears pierced.

The chat started exactly as I envisioned: “Daddy, can I get my ears pierced?”

The answer I had rehearsed was, “Hmm, I’m not sure about that. Why do you want to get your ears pierced?”

The answer that came out was, “No,” surprising even me.

My daughter asked, “Why not?” and I answered, “Because I don’t want you to have any more holes in your ears.”

The truth is, I really don’t know how I feel about my daughter, at nine years old, getting her ears pierced but found myself playing a game of “Say the first thing that enters your mind.”

My daughter then countered with, “But everyone has their ears pierced, Daddy!”

Knowing this to be untrue, but still not in control of brain or my words, I provided the examples of her close friend and my mother. A total deviation from the script to be sure, but I was pleased that I had come up with one relevant example and only one ridiculous example, right there on the spot. If pressed, I was going to mention the members of the Blue Man Group and I’m thankful it didn’t come to that.

My daughter rolled her eyes and said, “It doesn’t cost anything!”

I said that it must cost something and she said that it didn’t, but quickly added, “If it does cost something, I’ve got gift cards!”

I knew I had an argument that buying goods and services with gift cards (that had been purchased for cash), was not in any way obtaining services for free, but stopped myself when I realized I was playing right into her hands. How had I let things get this far? I had lost all control.

“Mommy says the two of you will have a conversation about this,” she added.

Great!

A conspiracy...

I hadn’t planned for that.