Throw A Party For Me

Remember, tomorrow is promised to no one.
Walter Payton

Last week I received an email to inform me that a friend's father had passed away. He was only 69 and collapsed while playing hockey, unable to be revived. Just a few short months ago another friend of mine lost his dad, also 69. He had been sick a short time, but I didn't find out until he was gone.

The one thing that everyone can agree on is that dealing with death is hard. After that, I think there is little consistency from person to person about the right way to respond, the right way to show our support for someone who has just lost a loved one. My way is by no means the right way or the only way, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

The first thing I do is take stock of my own life. I thank my lucky stars for all that I have and think about what kind of a legacy I would be leaving if my time was up today. Would my family know how much I loved them? Would I have made a difference in the lives of those who knew me? Did I live the life I wanted to live? Did I choose to be happy, or did I allow the wear and tear of life to rob me of special moments? This kind of reflection has always helped me to appreciate the life I have and acts as a wake-up call for me to really live my life.

My parents taught me that it's important to make an effort to reach out to those who have lost loved ones with an email/letter/phone call and if possible a trip to the funeral home for the visitation or funeral. These are never easy notes to write or phone calls to make, but they are so important to the people receiving them. Those who have lost someone feel alone and isolated, and the awkwardness felt by others only makes the situation worse. Get over your fears and let them know that you aren't going to hide from them at a time like this.

It's ok to share memories of the person who died, tell stories, use their name, laugh and joke about funny things that you remember...in fact, it might be the best gift you can give to a grieving person. If nothing else, you're showing that you care enough to be there at a time like that, to share your memories, your stories and all of that helps.

I also learned that it's ok that you don't know exactly what to say. No one does. Nothing is going to change the situation and nothing you say is going to be really right or really wrong. It's just important that you're there to talk and it's ok to admit that you really don't have "the right words" to express your level of sorrow.

When I was a teenager my grandfather told me that when he died we should throw a party. He said "Rick, I've lived a great life and no one needs to be too sad when I go." Years later, when he died, I remembered those words and although I was sad at losing him, I knew that he didn't live his life with regrets and we could move on knowing that he wasn't cheated out of a full life. It really helped.

I always remember those words and I use them to keep death in perspective. It's a sad time for sure, but a life well lived should be remembered and celebrated and the focus should be on that, not the sadness.

I hope someday I'll have lived the kind of life that allows me to tell my grandkids those same words.