I have mice in my house. There, I said it.
I hesitate to share any of this with you, because I’m embarrassed
by the situation. Obviously, I’ve let my house become a shambles or why else
would rodents want to live with me? How negligent have I been that I have not
noticed the gaping unattended holes in my house that allowed the mice to easily
move in in the first place and begin spreading their germs, or whatever else mice do that
makes them so undesirable? Well, perhaps the holes have not been gaping, the mice are quite small, but
clearly I am lacking as a home owner as there must be some avenues into my house that I have overlooked, even if the mice
quickly place a small bush over the opening each time they come and go, as I
suspect they might. Maybe I’m wrong about all this, maybe they just come in
when he children leave the door open, which is how the flies get in. The mice
and the flies may even be in cahoots (I’ve never liked the flies and wouldn’t
put this past them), but none of this changes the fact that I have mice in my
house or varmints as you may call
them if you have taken your judging of me to another level.
It was a couple of weeks ago that we first heard a mouse in
the wall and, like everyone who goes through it, we entered the first phase of
mouse elimination: Hoping They Will Go Away On Their Own. This phase has never
worked for anyone, but is a necessary step before proceeding to Phase 2: Population
Estimation. In this phase you hope the mouse you heard in the wall (some people
have the misfortune of seeing a mouse
in Phase 1) is the only mouse you will have to worry about, but everyone knows
this is absurd, because if you are aware of one mouse you are most likely to
have 17, perhaps 400. Indeed, you soon realize there are three generations of mice
now living in your house, regrouping and re-strategizing after one of them
broke rank and alerted you to their presence through careless scratching or
sprinting through your walls.
Phase 3 is setting traps or putting out poison. I was once told the problem with poison is
that the hundreds of mice living in your house will all eat the poison
simultaneously, a mouse Jonestown, then crawl into the walls to die, only to be
discovered by a health inspector from a neighbouring village responding to the numerous
reports of an unexplained odor which is causing people to be sick in the
streets and the cancellation of schools. No, I’ve decided that I’m more
comfortable with a spring loaded trap even when that trap’s primary function seems
to be to snap my fingers each time I set it.
So, last week I set out two traps in my basement, each one
loaded with peanut butter rather than a piece of cheese which would have been
my first choice had I been trying to rid myself of a cartoon mouse sometime in
1947. The next morning, immediately upon waking, I headed down the stairs and
entered into Phase 4: Hoping I’d Killed A Mouse/But Really Not Wanting To See A
Dead Mouse In A Trap/Really Really Not Wanting To Touch A Dead Mouse.
I checked the first trap. It had engaged, the peanut butter
was gone, but there was no dead mouse in it. I checked the second trap and
discovered my first dead mouse. I felt awful, but reminded myself that these
rodents planned to overrun my house, kill me and my family, and assume our
identities. It helped a little.
The second morning I checked the traps and found both of
them engaged, but in neither case had I caught myself a mouse. I was certain
the loss of one of their comrades the day before would have made them desperate
and apt to make a tactical error, but it seemed it only made them more aware of
my devious plans, and had avoided the traps. I made a mental note to buy more
peanut butter the next time I passed the grocery store.
The next morning, I again checked the traps. The first was untouched, the second engaged,
but no mouse! “Curses!” I shouted. “Foiled again!” I added, as I found it
easier to go about my business if I adopted the personae of a villain, at least
while I was in Phase 4. I thought about getting a cape, growing a wiry
moustache, changing my laugh, but something distracted me from these thoughts.
There, on the floor, near the trap, was the mouse! He seemed
frozen in place, his little eyes looking straight up at me. I wondered why he
was not running away. Perhaps he was awed by his recent brush with death and was
thinking how from this point forward he would live life to the fullest, but I
don’t think mice are that deep. Maybe he was too full from peanut butter. Maybe
all of his training had taught him not to be afraid of me, my villain exclamations
having no effect on him. Regardless of the reason, he just stared at me and I
stared back.
I wondered what to do. Maybe I could reset the trap, set it
down next to him and say something like, “I noticed you didn’t get all the peanut butter – here you go…take
your time,” before slowly leaving the room? Maybe I could scoop him up with
something and take him outside, but realized that the something was likely going to be my hands and that taking him
outside likely only inconvenienced him slightly by making him walk around the
house to wherever their secret entrance was. I decided against both ideas. The
only option I saw open to me at that moment was to grab something big and/or
heavy and crush Mr. Mouse under it.
I thought about how that might change my day.
Oh, it’s a funny
story…this morning I was down in my basement, hadn’t even had my coffee, and I
bludgeoned a mouse under a heavy book! You know, one of those ridiculously
large dictionaries that doubles as an Encyclopedia? Yep, I just crushed him
right under it. Boom! You should have seen the mess, nearly got it on me…hmm…anyways,
how are you?
I couldn’t do it.
Out of options, I nodded to the mouse, turned around and
went back upstairs.
I had entered Phase 5: Failure.
Maybe I’m not cut out for this mouse business.
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