The Dentist

I'll be honest. I'm not looking forward to my dentist appointment this afternoon. There's nothing special about this appointment, it's just my regular nine month check-up/cleaning, but the entire experience just brings me down.

The aggravation begins about two weeks before my appointment when they leave a message at my house as a friendly reminder of my upcoming visit. I mutter, "Crap, has it been nine months already?" and forget to call them back to confirm the appointment. They're really good about calling me another three times and eventually we connect. I tell them, "Yes, the totally random date and time that we set nine months ago is a perfect fit for my life now and I very much look forward to finding out what has gone wrong with my teeth these past 270 days."

A bit of history...I lived the first 32 years of my life without a single cavity. Somehow, since I've started seeing this dentist, he's found cavities about every other visit. Either my dental health is failing fast or this guy is just way too good at finding problems that other dentists cannot.

A few years ago, he talked to me about my teeth grinding. I was totally unaware that I did that, but was soon fitted with a night guard (what a pleasant process that is) which I bite down on in my sleep. I have a recurring dream that I leave the house and forget to take it out, causing me great embarrassment, but have decided it's unfair to blame the dentist for that. I worry that my dentist is running out of things to charge to my benefits provider and will soon suggest dentures or possibly grillz?

I'm lectured every visit about brushing and flossing. I've learned that the answer they're looking for is, "I brush at least twice a day and floss really well at least four times a week." Saying something less than that is utterly foolish. However, even when you meet their verbal requirement, they criticize your brushing and flossing technique and ask if I've started eating a lot of candy. The sad fact of the matter is that I think I'd be treated the same if I came into the office and said, "Since my last visit I've only flossed once and that was because of this big piece of meat...well, you know where I'm going with this. I brushed 17 times in total and eight of those times I used my finger to rub toothpaste over the fronts of my teeth. I've started mixing red wine and coffee together as I find the staining combination just can't be beat. I'm hearing good things about smoking and might take it up in time for my next visit. I've thrown out my night guard and instead I bite into apple slices. While they don't prevent my teeth from gnashing together, I swear some nights I can actually hear the acid eating into my enamel."

Hmm, well that's not great. But here's a tiny tube of toothpaste and small sample of dental floss. You can keep it in your car!