Back-to-school fun

Yesterday, I was given a stretch assignment. My wife was at work and she said it would be really helpful if I would take the kids to Wal-Mart to buy all of their back-to-school supplies. The school had sent home a list of what was needed for both kids, so it seemed like an easy job. The potential to win points with my wife was an added bonus so I headed to the store, list-in-hand, kids-in-tow, with the feeling that I would soon be the back-to-school king.

Arriving at the store I was pleased to realize that the first item on the list for both kids was “1 ruler (30 cm).” My daughter’s ruler was to be metric, but I assumed the metric system is not introduced only in Grade 4 and that this had been an oversight on my son’s list. Rulers (metric or otherwise) were exceptionally hard to find and it was apparent that the school had not ordered their list to correspond with where things could be found at Wal-Mart.

Passing many items I knew to be on the list, I took my cart through each crowded aisle in search of 30 cm rulers, quantity two, and could not find them. Plan B would be put into place immediately. A sequential sweep of each aisle would commence and I would knock things off the list as I saw them.

At first, the plan bore fruit. “20 quality 2 pencils, sharpened” and “pencils” (no mention of quality, quantity or preparedness) were found. Pens (red and blue), crayons and scissors were selected and thrown in the cart. Still no sign of 30 cm rulers, but they had to be somewhere!

The kids had started their own sweep of the aisles and peppered me with requests to have different pens than what was in the cart, special markers they had found, backpacks and notebooks and pencil cases. I reminded them of Plan B and wished I had had them initial the plan saying they had read and understood the methodology.

Other kids were playing the same game with their parents and I was finding it hard to move about the aisles with carts and negotiations blocking my escape routes. Families that brought four generations with them to shop in these aisles (seemingly closing in on me now) were beginning to annoy me.

Merchandise was knocked to the floor and left there. And where were the rulers?

Why do the pencil crayon boxes look exactly like the markers? They didn’t when I was a kid. Why can’t I find pink erasers, only white or multi-coloured? Has the world gone mad?

I found the glue sticks, but only sold individually. Would three of them meet the criteria of “3 large glue sticks (labelled)”? Why do the glue sticks need to be labelled? I don’t see “label maker” on the list anywhere?

Two dry erase markers for my son? Why? In Grade 1 do they learn how to lead a white-board planning session in the board room? And why are dry erase markers only sold in packs of eight? Don’t they know anything about Grade 1 at Wal-Mart?

“Daddy, can I have ‘grips’ for my pens,” asked my daughter. Grips? Don’t you know we’re in a global recession? What has happened that we can no longer grip our pens (red and blue) with nothing but our bare hands? Do you know that I wrote with a feather dipped in ink when I was a boy? (Disclosure: this was once in an Art class, but it’s not a complete fabrication).

Why do they need highlighters in Grade 1 and what pray-tell do they highlight? Why does anyone ever need a protractor?

Completely frazzled, but having found everything on the list, I proceeded to the checkout. The woman asked me if I had found everything and I said “yes” (automatic response when I have no interest in reliving the ordeal). She seemed surprised and asked, “Really?” and I knew exactly what she was thinking.

How on earth did this guy, under obvious duress, ever find the rulers?